I recently went to Sydney with my year group at school, from where I live on a bus its 6 hours to Sydney so its safe to say I had a lot of thinking time, and that's exactly what I did, think. On the way to Sydney I sat there wondering what would happen while i was gone, what would go down at home, who would say what to who, I was also wondering how Sydney would change things.
They say you can pinpoint a moment in your life when everything changes. Well it wasn't a moment for me, it was the Sydney trip. It changed my perspective I think. In Sydney I was so happy, every day I was happy and all day long I was happy, I was having fun constantly and it was as if my life back home didn't exist! But when we came back, all my friends where so happy to be back with their families and friends that didn't go, I loved seeing my family and friends again but I just wanted to be back in Sydney. The second I stepped foot off that bus my old life hit me in the face like a tonne of bricks. So, in conclusion, I can't escape my home life forever, but some parts of it I don't want to. I just, I don't know what to say, I really love Sydney, I want to be there again. I hate my home life, but.. I only just realised that....

MyHeartsInFlames.x3

Player?

I sometimes wonder if he's a player.
I know this guy and he's a bit... weird. In the time that I've known him he's had a lot of girlfriends, and hmm okay we've been friends for a while and we're fairly close, I think, and we've been getting heaps closer, he's said.. things.. and I'm starting to wonder about his sincerity. Apparently theres this other girl as well, and now I'm just getting really confused. I don't know why he's saying this stuff to me, honestly I like it and maybe I even like him, but nothing can happen so whys he putting us through this? Does this make him a player? Is he a player? Maybe he is.. a little bit. I really don't know.

MyHeartsInFlames.x3

Okayy so my best friends 19, big whoop!

He was originally my brothers friend, but I'm so cooler then him, hahaha, nahh I don't actually recall how I became such good friends with him, it just sort of happened, and it was definitely a good thing! But my brother and well, the rest of my family don't know, I don't know how they haven't figured it out by now!! idiots, I reckon they all think we're in some sort of relationship, because we're pretty much not even allowed to talk! its so stupid, I hate them sometimes, all my friends know that he's my best friend, they also know if they say anything about us being in a relationship I will harm them, physically, and possibly put them in hospital :D . I got him a necklace for his birthday right, and the strange little child that he is ended up buying me one as well, and it had a heart on it, so he broke the heart in half.. how I don't know.. and he has one half on his necklace and I have the other and we wear them all the time, around each other and all of my friends and family have noticed it.. even mum.. and yet she hasn't put two and two together! god, she was bitching to me about him one night, saying all this stuff and I was thinking, "THATS MY BEST FRIEND!" but I didn't say anything. Its so frustrating! I don't know what to do, I'm about ready to snap some days, and I reckon I will one day, just start screaming at them and walk out, and obviously go to his place, probably in tears but it wouldn't matter because I would have told them, they would know!

What's the big problem with age differences!!


MyHeartsInFlames.x3

Who Would You Die For?

Some days, the best way to deal with whats put in front of you, is to sit back and look at the situation from someone else's eyes.
So right now, if I was looking at my world from someone else's eyes, I'd see a very happy person. I'd see a normal teenager. But if I was looking at my world from say my best friends eyes I think I'd see a heart-breaking scene that I can't fix. I'd probably see a distressed girl that I can't help, an emotionally closed off girl that I can't seem to reach. Thats how I think my best friend see's me.
We had an argument the other day and what he said actually did sink in, I don't let people in; not anymore. Everything I feel the good and the bad (mostly the bad) I bury; I don't show emotions well. I'm really stressed at the moment; its causing health problems. I do everything for other people; nothing for me. I portray an image that isn't even close to who I really am.
but its because of all of this, that I smile at school, that I sit with friends and listen to them and help them as best as I can, that I listen to my mum and that I let her cry in front of me, that I listen to my brother and my dad complain about everything, that I see the emotions; feelings of anger and hate towards my father cross my mothers face all the time. I believe this all started because of my mum's dads death. After he died I was staying with my mum and grandma, and every night I heard them cry, and I saw them cry. I saw first hand what pain they were in, and how little my father truly cared. How hurt my mother was because of him and at that time I vowed, unknowingly, to myself that I didn't want my mum to go through anything alone, so I stopped crying. I stopped hurting, I buried those feelings and I became my mum's rock, my two brothers rock, I did the dirty work and told my niece when no one else could and I went looking for her when she ran away. I told my young cousin everything would be okay and I kept them calm while the rest of my family fell apart. I helped my sister look after her kids while she tried to rebuild her life and deal with what was going on around her. I tried my hardest to make them smile and laugh through the tears, I tried to make them see the good things and remember what a great man he was! and because of all this, I think, its why I hide who I am; how I feel. I don't blame my mum for it, I don't blame my grandpa for it, I don't even blame my dad, I don't blame anyone. I had my brief moment of weakness where everyone saw me fall, but I picked myself up because I looked at my mum, my grandma, my two brothers, my sister, my uncles and aunties, my cousins, the strangers I didn't even know, and I saw how many lives my grandpa had touched, and I can garuntee I never saw him cry, so I picked myself up and I became everyone's rock, and I don't regret that decision, but I'd love to know what my life would be like if I wasn't anyones rock, If I could sit back and cry on someones shoulder.

I have to much pride they say.
I have a lot of heart.
I'm strong they say.
I'm very smart.

I love my best friend, he's so important to me. But he needs to realize that thats who I am, I have pride and heart, I'm strong and I'm smart. He does know this, I know he does, but he also needs to know that when I need help, He'll be the first person I call, and one day, possibly very soon, I'll be making that call, because life's not all sunshine and rainbows anymore, its dark and its scary and I'm falling down a never ending hole.


MyHeartsInFlames.x3

So for the past couple of days I've been feeling really dizzy, tired, stressed, not hungry with like headaches and all most passing out and stuff. I've been telling my best friend everything about it and he's starting to worry heaps, but he doesn't live in the same town as me so theres not a lot he can do and he's telling me to go to a doctor and stuff and I don't do doctors. He thinks its something really serious, like a brain tuma. I haven't told him but he sort of freaked me out when he said that. My mind sort of started going a thousand miles a minute "what if I do" "what if its worse!" etc etc. So I'm a little freaked out but hiding it well, as you do. But I guess I'm a little worried about this, but my mum doesn't seem to think its anything so theres no need to worry, right? I don't know anymore.
I'd really love to just wake up one morning and have everything right. Have my best friend with me, my parents not fighting, my brothers and sister safe, have a certain someone safe with me and me have a true smile on my face.

MyHeartsInFlames.x3

Why?

I sit here, in my room and have one question, just one, running through my mind the whole time. Why?
It's the only question that can't be answered. Science tries to give reason to everything, tries to explain why everything happens, but can they completely answer it, I mean of course they can answer the scientific questions, like why we have sound and why one part of the earth is hot while the other is cold. But they can't answer the fundamental questions; like why we're here? why some people are happy when others are sad? and so on.
So i would have to say that why is the most predominant question in my life, and I can never seem to find any answers, just more questions.

She's banged up, mentally and emotionally,
literally and metaphorically, but every day
she walks outside with a smile on her face
because that's who she is.

A randomly famous quote I found.

MyHeartsInFlames.x3