Who Would You Die For?

Some days, the best way to deal with whats put in front of you, is to sit back and look at the situation from someone else's eyes.
So right now, if I was looking at my world from someone else's eyes, I'd see a very happy person. I'd see a normal teenager. But if I was looking at my world from say my best friends eyes I think I'd see a heart-breaking scene that I can't fix. I'd probably see a distressed girl that I can't help, an emotionally closed off girl that I can't seem to reach. Thats how I think my best friend see's me.
We had an argument the other day and what he said actually did sink in, I don't let people in; not anymore. Everything I feel the good and the bad (mostly the bad) I bury; I don't show emotions well. I'm really stressed at the moment; its causing health problems. I do everything for other people; nothing for me. I portray an image that isn't even close to who I really am.
but its because of all of this, that I smile at school, that I sit with friends and listen to them and help them as best as I can, that I listen to my mum and that I let her cry in front of me, that I listen to my brother and my dad complain about everything, that I see the emotions; feelings of anger and hate towards my father cross my mothers face all the time. I believe this all started because of my mum's dads death. After he died I was staying with my mum and grandma, and every night I heard them cry, and I saw them cry. I saw first hand what pain they were in, and how little my father truly cared. How hurt my mother was because of him and at that time I vowed, unknowingly, to myself that I didn't want my mum to go through anything alone, so I stopped crying. I stopped hurting, I buried those feelings and I became my mum's rock, my two brothers rock, I did the dirty work and told my niece when no one else could and I went looking for her when she ran away. I told my young cousin everything would be okay and I kept them calm while the rest of my family fell apart. I helped my sister look after her kids while she tried to rebuild her life and deal with what was going on around her. I tried my hardest to make them smile and laugh through the tears, I tried to make them see the good things and remember what a great man he was! and because of all this, I think, its why I hide who I am; how I feel. I don't blame my mum for it, I don't blame my grandpa for it, I don't even blame my dad, I don't blame anyone. I had my brief moment of weakness where everyone saw me fall, but I picked myself up because I looked at my mum, my grandma, my two brothers, my sister, my uncles and aunties, my cousins, the strangers I didn't even know, and I saw how many lives my grandpa had touched, and I can garuntee I never saw him cry, so I picked myself up and I became everyone's rock, and I don't regret that decision, but I'd love to know what my life would be like if I wasn't anyones rock, If I could sit back and cry on someones shoulder.

I have to much pride they say.
I have a lot of heart.
I'm strong they say.
I'm very smart.

I love my best friend, he's so important to me. But he needs to realize that thats who I am, I have pride and heart, I'm strong and I'm smart. He does know this, I know he does, but he also needs to know that when I need help, He'll be the first person I call, and one day, possibly very soon, I'll be making that call, because life's not all sunshine and rainbows anymore, its dark and its scary and I'm falling down a never ending hole.


MyHeartsInFlames.x3